"Very A.M."...

That's a quote from a movie. I can't remember which movie. It might have been a TV show. I don't really care. I used that quote because it's 2:34 A.M. as I write this. Very A.M. Sleep is not coming to me. I've tried, and intend to try again here in a few moments. The problem is that I'm trying to process a whole lot of stuff right now.

It's 2:38 A.M. In those four minutes I've tried to explain my problem. Nothing I typed seemed right. It's 2:43 A.M. I had typed out a paragraph and a half further explaining my inability to share, and decided I couldn't share it. As it goes.

It's 2:45 A.M. I should probably go to bed. I should at least lay down. I can feel my brain turning into mush. Still, though...all of those thoughts are just racing around. In the quiet dark of my bedroom, where I'm left with nothing but my thoughts, it's not where I want to be.

It's 2:47 A.M. For some reason all of the letters I'm typing are reminding me of Victorian England. This means I'm becoming delusional and really need to go to bed before I start typing things without paying attention. Granted, that's usually how I blog, but it could be especially dangerous when I'm fatigued. Fatigued is a fun word to say. So is oblique.

It's 2:50 A.M. My heart is aching. This hurts and I don't know how else to say it.

It's 2:55 A.M. Goodnight.

I believe you can only cry so many tears...

"My weariness amazes me" - Bob Dylan

This month has been difficult. Things haven't been shaping up the way I imagined they would. I'm dizzy with the swirling, spinning emotions. I'm out of breath and out of tears...but still hurting.

In all that I've been through in the last few months, I can only ask where God is. Oh, I know He's there...but how? How is all of this working out? Where is the grace in all of...this?

When faith meets life, you begin to see that faith is not a passive thing at all. Faith is not a wistful, gossamer thing that you snuggle up with. Faith is tear soaked. Faith bleeds with you. Faith is what you hang on to when everything else has left you.

We learn "God is love" in Sunday school, but that concept means something deeper to you when you have felt that you can't be loved. "Blessed are those who mourn" is lost on those who have not mourned. Who have not had that vacuum in your chest in which joy and peace seem to go to never be seen again. Or to be in a situation where you really don't know how it's going to work out, and to wonder if "God is for us". It's a hard place to find yourself.

So, where is God?

For Elijah, God wasn't in the fire or the wind or the earthquake. But for Moses, God was the fire and the wind and the waves. Where is God? For Peter, He was in a vision. For Paul, He was in blindness. For Lazarus He was in resurrection, for Stephen He was in death.

Jesus conquered death, but there is still death. But Jesus conquered death. God is... He just is. He is in the hurt, and the joy. The sorrow, and the jubilation. He is in the sickness and in the cure. God is bigger than our troubles, but He is not above our troubles.

Sometimes Heaven meets earth like lightning...sometimes like mist. It's always God.

The last several weeks have put me in situations where I don't have the answers. Sometimes I don't even have the prayers. Yet in all and through all, in the pain and the joy, the sorrow and the laughter...God is.

The dawn breaks anew...

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Just popped awake. This has happened a handful of times in my life, and every time I felt the need or desire to pray. Today was no exception. So, pray I did. Not sure exactly why or for what reason. Then, as my mind started to wake up more...I began to see why.

It was as if every fear I've had over the past several months just started piling on. It was intense.

I prayed more. Fear grew. I prayed more. Fear grew more. I went for a drive and just talked to God about my biggest fear. When I got home, I put How He Loves by David Crowder Band on repeat. I had to listen to it again and again. These lyrics were piercing my heart:

"We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way He Loves Us"

The emotion was too much to hold back. I was overwhelmed by the grace of God in a way that I have not been in a long time. The knowledge that all of that fear...all of it...is fading in the glory of His love. This is not to say that the fear fell easily. The whole time I was experiencing this, I was feeling the weight of it. But the day went on. The prayers went on. Soon, I had my peace.

I cannot wait for tomorrow to come. To experience that grace for another day.

Oh, how He loves us.

Supplication...

I wish I knew what to tell you
I wish I had all of the answers
I wish I could just hold onto the moments
when you didn't hurt
and the world made sense

But words fail me
and I think so does my heart
When I see you, knowing
yet not understanding

Oh, God...tear this heart from my chest
and give it to someone stronger
Someone who can change the world
Someone who can be the man You say I am

Because in my strongest moments
In my most warrior like stance
I feel the weight of this love buckling my knees
And I am again
Broken

I wish I had all of the answers

Oh, hi, are you still here?...

Yeah, the blogging thing has kind of been put to the side for a while. Not that I haven't been doing anything, it's just that more and more stuff going on is not blog-worthy. I mean, how many times can I write "I woke up today and ate food with my mouth hole" before I lose both of my readers? Exactly.

In any event, it's all been pretty good around here. Life has all been about practical applications of such things as faith and grace of late. Good stuff.

I'm too tired to write anymore, but I'll try and remember this is here.

By all means, separate your state from my church...

Once I really sat down and took an honest assesment of what "separation of church and state" meant, I had to agree with it. If that means taking "In God We Trust" off of the currency and no longer saying "Under God" in the pledge of allegiance, I have no qualms with that.

Here's why.

First of all, what does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Do you expect to use American currency in Heaven? Does it matter to the poor if the money they use to buy food has any mention of God on it? If you are fortunate enough to have the choice of using a dollar with "In God We Trust" or not, then it probably doesn't matter. Just remember that not everyone in this country is that fortunate, like the 1,600,000 or so homeless for instance.

So, why do I support "separation of church and state"? Because if God gets in the state, then the state will get into God. We don't have to look too far into our history to see that state funded, state supported, and ultimately state ran church is a horribly bad idea. When the fat king can simply create a church in order to have sex with (and kill) as many women as he pleases, the argument kind of wins itself from a Biblical standpoint. At least as far as I can see.

Now, I'm not naive. I realize that the state has benefits that work in favor of churches. Not being the leader of any church, I can't really speak to how beneficial they really are, if they're worth it, etc. I do know that the early church didn't seek government loans to feed the widows. As long as the government gives you their money to use, they will feel they have a voice in how it is used.

So, if the rumors are true that they want to take "In God We Trust" off of the currency...as long as it still spends the same, it makes no difference to me.

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction."

Douglas MacArther said that.

Today was the day I had to make a decision. It was not an easy decision to make, but I had to make it.

I decided not to go back to school right away. Maybe spring quarter...maybe next fall. Maybe never. After doing a lot of thinking about it, I realized that the effort involved wasn't worth it to me personally. It's just not where my head or heart is at.

I kept getting asked this one question; "what are you going for?" I noticed that I didn't have an answer for that. I started seeing a looming financial burden for something that I "kinda sorta" wanted to do. At the end of the day, it just didn't feel right.

So, the job search continues. The possibility of some photography work is on the horizon. All in all, things are good.

"reformating your hard drive"...

A lot has changed for me over the last several weeks. Some of it is great, some of it I'm still trying to wrap my mind around.

For starters, my Facebook status has changed from "Single" to "In a Relationship". Yay! That's the great part.

The part I'm still trying to wrap my mind around is school, work....the next phase if you will.

Last night I was really frustrated as I sat down and looked at the class schedule I set up at registration. I don't like it. It's all art classes, and I do not want to take art classes. I don't know what it is. I love art. Art class was always my favorite. But the thought of sitting in an art class, for some reason, makes me angry. So, I had some other classes that I wanted to take. They are, of course, all full at this point. My first time back at school will be filled with classes I have no interest in being a part of. Which just happens to be my problem with school during the first 12 years I was there.

I'm trying to figure out if some arbitrary victory like a degree is worth the personal sacrifice of things that are actually important to me...like my time and sanity. I'm leaning towards no. At the same time, I don't want to just give up on it without at least trying it first. At the same time, this is college we're talking about here. "Just giving it a shot" will put me in debt if I decide not to follow through with it.

Well, then do I get a job? Yeah. I'd like a job. I want to be able to take that pretty girl out for dinners more often as well as fund my photography habit. I'd like my photography habit to eventually fund the dinners with that pretty girl. Ah, but I don't want the next job to turn into the last job.

It's a lot of stuff. It's moments like these that I really pray for direction and wisdom. With priorities shifting, life moving forward, trying to fulfill desires I have and not neglect those around me...that's when I wonder why people look at me like I know what I'm doing.

The title of this post comes from something Eric said to me at the end of service today. He felt, and I agree, that this is a season where God is "reformatting your hard drive". A fresh start.

I want so badly for things to go well with whatever I attempt. As we enter the Advent season, I need to keep in the front of my thoughts that God is here...in these attempts.